A Funny Joke New Work Policies

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors (in writing)
must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume
you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation’s or input should
be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Human Resources Department

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Wedding Or Boxing

Ques) Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? Ans) It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Toothbrush By Redneck

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck? If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a “teethbrush”.

Dumb Idiot

Ques - How do you keep and idiot busy? Answer - Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. This post was submitted by jewelly1 -4rom rs.

Funny Football

Ques - How do you make a football pitch in to a triangle?? Ans - Take a corner This post was submitted by Tom Briggs.

Brilliant Doubts - Unanswered

1.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? 2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? 3.If the ‘black box’ flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? 4.Why do people say, ‘you’ve been working like a dog’ when dogs just sit around all day? 5.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? 6.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? 7.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? 8.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 9.Why is it called a ‘building’ when it is already built? 10.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? 11.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Funny Questions

1. Can you imagine what the world would be without hypothetical questions? 2. If the 7 eleven stores are open 24/7 365 days a week why do they have doors? 3. Why they do not make planes with the same materials that they use to make the black box.

Funny Question Answers

Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE. Answer : On their MARRIAGE. Question : Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Answer : Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake. Question : How does a wise man tells a woman to keep quiet? Answer :You looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when your LIPS are CLOSED. Question : How can we reduce alcohol consumption Answer: Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD, After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY